"I can't work out whether you are totally anti-women", the architect said to the skinhead. The 'skinhead' in question was a member of the Norwich Young Fathers Group who had just shown considerable courage to stand up in front of a large group of professionals and executives and talk about the group. He had talked about the value he placed on the group, what he had gained from it and how he thought it could benefit other young fathers. He had talked about being a father and how much it meant to him. He had talked about young men being positive and active in the role of father. He had said nothing derogatory about women, nothing discriminatory and yet his motives for getting up and speaking were deemed questionable. The architect had sat and listened with his own preconceptions and opinions about who young men are and what they do. He had found a hidden agenda where there wasn't one.
Young fathers are a group which tends to be either invisible or represented by the media in a negative way usually as uncaring and irresponsible. On this occasion this young man had broken free from the former category but was being treated with suspicion although feedback from some others who had listened was more positive. The experience reinforced my belief in the need for a group such as Norwich Young Fathers in order to define new positive roles for fathers, to challenge prejudices and to give young men new models of fatherhood.
Prior to setting up the Young Fathers group I had been employed by Norfolk Youth and Community Service as a 'Gender Youth Worker' to provide anti-sexist groupwork with boys and young men. As soon as I got into the work I realised that just taking an anti-sexist approach was too limiting, both for myself and the young men. There was so much scope to work with these young men, not only by challenging some of their behaviour and attitudes but by offering them the space to explore themselves and their masculinity, to share their feelings and lose some of their mutual distrust.
| Young men are not generally going to come forward and say "What about me? I have needs which are not being met..." |
Unfortunately the youth service failed to acknowledge the vitality of this work and in a bout of reshuffling my post was eroded away. When several young men from a local advice project approached me complaining of a lack of services for fathers I leapt at the opportunity to set a group up and so the Norwich Young Fathers Group began.
It is a community based project which has been running for over four years at the Mancroft Advice Project. It is run voluntarily by myself and Peter. my co-facilitator, and is attended by a small but changing group of young fathers. When we started, as the young men had asked for the group to be run we decided that they should set the agenda. The first brainstorming session gave us a great deal of material to work on from the predictable to the unexpected. The young men wanted information, support, a chance to talk about childcare and fatherhood, expressing their hopes and fears, friendship and love.
The majority of these young fathers do not live with their children. Some have regular contact while others have none at all. As their circumstances regarding contact with their children have been so wide ranging we have not always found it practical to discuss childcare on a regular basis. Having fathers in the group who do not have any current access to their children means that this does not address their immediate needs.
Issues are brought in by individuals within the group rather than us bringing in tasks for the group to engage in. We have been more concerned with self development, motivation and confidence. Through self development we believe that these young men become more effective and resourceful parents in what is often a limited time spent with their children. Working in the group they feel more confident about themselves and their abilities. They become more effective communicators able to express their feelings and to listen and acknowledge the feelings of others. Tolerance, patience, assertiveness and negotiating skills empower group members to take more responsibility for themselves and their relationships.
We see an increased confidence in their relationships with their children, and how much more comfortable they are with them. They become more aware of how their behaviour affects their children and they are clearer about setting boundaries and sticking to them, thereby allowing themselves and their children greater security.
One aspect of the group is that it acknowledges a feature of these young men's identity : they are parents. For many of them this fundamental part of themselves has been marginalised or even excluded from how they are viewed by those around them. Those fathers who feel the pain of separation from their children have the opportunity within the group, either directly or indirectly, to have their feelings recognised and valued. These young men are fathers who still care for their children even if some of them are unable to take part in childcare.
As well as affirming the status of these young men as fathers, one of our aims has been to present this affirmation to others. To society at large and to many professionals (including some who work in the field of parenting skills and supporting young families) young men who become fathers but who are not living with their children are generally viewed as irresponsible young men. Men who can just move on with little or no thought to the life or lives they leave behind. Little attention is paid to what the problematic role of 'absent father' is or could be. This often leads to the assumption that the absent father has little or no interest in his children.
Young men can too easily take on these assumptions and accept the simplistic 'absent' role which has been so clearly defined for them. For many this role has a precedence, set by their own fathers. Young fathers who do not find it easy to express their own needs, nor to express their feelings for their children, tend to either lose contact or do not have their limited role understood or validated. They remain on the edge of their children's lives. For many, this position continues to be a constant source of frustration and disappointment, and can lead to feelings of failure and inadequacy. Without support and recognition, the problematic nature of their role remains as a personal weakness.
Even for fathers who live with their children the role is not necessarily straightforward. The traditional patriarchal role has all but disappeared and has not yet been replaced with anything coherent. Having become a father in the last three years and taken on the role of part-time primary carer I have experienced marginalisation and isolation, despite the fact that I am not separated from my children or their mother. It has rarely been explicit or intentional but it has been present all the same and requires some effort, diligence and support to overcome. I personally have secured a tremendous grounding from being a part of the group. It has been invaluable for my self esteem as a parent and has shed much light on my own experience of growing up and my life as a man.
I attend a weekly music for toddlers group with my little boy and I am the only man present. This is a fact which I cannot escape from. I notice it all the time. It took many months before the leader of the group referred to the presence of a man in their midst. On many occasions the children would be asked to do something with their mummies. Maybe I should have stood up and been counted from the outset : "Excuse me! Yes, I am here!" Paradoxically I didn't want to draw attention to my difference. Why should I have to point out that I was different from everyone else there?
Attending parent and toddler groups was also difficult in the beginning. Parents go there partly to mix with others in the same situation, gaining support from sharing experiences and problems. I could mix with the women there but I was always aware of my difference. I go every week to one particular group, initially as the only man and I felt that I was viewed with suspicion. I was happy to be there but it was such a relief when another man started attending. This group now has a regular attendance of at least half a dozen fathers and is an excellent environment for both carers and children.
When gathering information for a young fathers resource pack we surveyed all the parent and toddler groups in Norwich and found that very few men attend. Most of the groups stated that they would like more fathers to be there although some responses were quite negative, including one group which would not welcome fathers as they did not see it as an appropriate space for them!
| they are parents. ... this fundamental part of themselves has been marginalised or even excluded from how they are viewed by those around them. |
I have been amazed at workshops I have attended on the subject of parenting where fathers have been deliberately excluded from the content. At one particular workshop the facilitators flatly refused to discuss fathers as they felt it was inappropriate. It was only the mutinous interest among the other workshop members which allowed fathers to be included as parents!
Without fathers being placed on the professionals' and agencies' agendas, absent fathers will always remain invisible. Young men are not generally going to come forward and say "What about me? I have needs which are not being met. I want to play a fuller part in the care and nurturance of my child". We know enough about young men to realise that this is unlikely happen. For those who want to there are almost no structures in place to allow them to follow this path. The route they have to follow is currently beset with obstacles, indifference and suspicion. It is a path they should not have to take on their own.
I always felt that the Young Fathers group was such a good idea, coming from a need identified by young fathers themselves, that other organisations and agencies would be keen to make referrals. But recognition of the group outside whilst always positive has been insubstantial. For most of the time we seem to have been working in a vacuum.
The group is open and informal, except for one period when we ran as a closed therapeutic group. We have had many instances of hearing of individuals who would like to take part. On too many occasions they have failed to materialise. I know that some of this is our responsibility for not putting greater effort into making ourselves as group leaders more accessible, but we are volunteers and do not always have the time to follow up such leads. I believed that agencies with clients who are young fathers would consider the group to be a valuable and innovative resource, providing a service which for too long has been considered unnecessary. But it feels like we are still working in isolation and lack recognition or appraisal. We therefore decided we had to raise our profile and increase our accessibility.
Last year we applied for funding from the Safer Cities Project in Norwich. Not only was this granted but we were invited to put in a further proposal. This was the impetus we had been waiting for, not just in terms of finance but in gaining recognition for the value of the work we have been doing. This money has allowed us, amongst other things, to get the training we so desperately needed to evaluate the group and to open up potential avenues of development. In evaluating the group Peter and I recognised that in order to achieve our potential, further commitment is necessary. This is not something we can offer realistically on a voluntary basis, it will have to come at a price. To provide a more comprehensive service and to do justice to the work, it must be established on a professional footing.
The training was provided by Trefor Lloyd from Working With Men. It took the form of four days training for professionals working with young men and a two day residential with two follow up days for the group. In stepping outside our normal routine it became possible to take an overview of the group's progress. Watching the young men interact with a different worker allowed us to see how much progress individual young men had made. Their ability to reflect on their lives, circumstances and emotions, their understanding and self knowledge, and their openness to discuss the personal and intimate. It allowed us to recognise the good ideas we had on ways to move forward and the belief to make those ideas become real. Peter and I were also able to look at and acknowledge our own weaknesses and to identify where we needed more support. Most importantly Trefor valued the work we have been doing and this was not something which had happened before.
| We wish to bring this invisible group of young men out of the shadows and to challenge the stereotyping they experience. |
Further development of our work has already begun. We have almost completed the resource pack for fathers in Norwich. We will be testing it out in some of Norwich's hostels for young men. As well as information on local services and facilities, a significant part of the pack will relate to legal issues. So many young fathers are ignorant of their rights or lack of them regarding their children. It will acknowledge their situation as one which is not solely theirs, nor unusual, and will aim to support them in defining their roles and responsibilities as parents. We intend to raise awareness amongst agencies of the need to engage with young fathers and by doing so, not only support them but their families as well.
The key to the success of this pack will be its promotion and accessibility and organising this will be paramount in the coming months. In conjunction with the pack we are hoping to set up a telephone helpline. With the right publicity this could have a massive impact on improving the access which young fathers have to information and support. The secondary benefit of a phoneline will be to enable us to tap into the needs of this group on a scale we have not managed before.
We are also producing a documentary video made by the young fathers about their situations and experiences as 'absent' fathers. We want the video to be available as an educational resource so as to open up debate about and promote a greater awareness of young fathers. We wish to bring this invisible group of young men out of the shadows and to challenge the stereotyping they experience.
We currently have interest from half a dozen young fathers to take part in another therapeutic group. We will be running this alongside the weekly support group. For at the centre of these developments the core support group will continue to meet, ensuring that development continues on a personal basis as well as for the whole project.
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