This is a new kind of book in my experience of perusing the men's or women's shelves. It tells the story of a week-long 'wilderness encounter' between a small number of men and women whose theme was 'Men, Women, Wilderness and Soul'. The week was facilitated by the authors; their aim was to 'create a forum for enhanced communication and healing between men and women'.
The authors are a couple, and they take it in turns to take up the story through the book. It is a mixture of discussion of the issues by the authors, and the story of the week as it unfolded, with quotes from the intimate discussions around the camp fire.
I found the real life drama of the week gripping. The authors created an 'empathetic container', so that the group could express their deepest truths and hurts about the other sex. They began with a session where 'the women and men informed one another honestly and directly about what they disliked and resented the most about the other sex'. This took the form of ritual conflict: the object being to listen without comment; the listeners repeated back to the speakers what they had said until the speakers were satisfied they had been heard. This session brought out a lot of anger and negative feelings on both sides: the 'shadow' was truly present.
Then the men and women separated. There follows much discussion about male and female archetypes: that the sky and sun are not exclusively male archetypes, and that nature and the earth are not exclusively feminine. Then they came back together, and held a session where the men and women took it in turns to own up to their personal shadows in relation to the opposite sex: to say how they in their own lives had acted as 'witches, bitches and whores' or 'bastards, batterers and fiends'. Then came the peacemaking; each said what they felt was good about the opposite sex, and how they would like to make amends for the wrongs they had done.
They introduce the notion of 'gender justice'. There is a clear feeling in the book that men and women both suffer in American society from gender war, albeit in different ways. Their view is that difference between the sexes is OK - that men and women can be different and equal, and that each person's role in life should depend on their individual abilities, not on their sex. It also suggests the sexes understanding one another better if they spend time apart. This gives both men and women a sense of their masculine or feminine 'soul' and provides a firm ground on which to meet the challenges thrown up when the sexes come together.
The book really spoke to me. It really could be called 'No More Sex War'. It urges women and men to stop sniping at each other from their respective 'movements', and acknowledge the hurt they have done one another. To me it seems that this must be the way forward. I heartily recommend it, especially to anyone who feels jaded by the anger and division between the sexes. It is full of hope, and shows how men and women can break through the barriers that seem to divide them if we are prepared to acknowledge our own truths, especially the 'shadow' side of our natures, and to listen without judgement to the truth of others. It reminded me of the power of skilful facilitation, and the need for a ritual structure where deep conflict can be safely expressed.
Steve Banks
Copyright © Achilles Heel Collective
