It is rare to read a book which produces both startling insights and utter nonsense, but this is such a work. Darian Leader has taken the bold step of trying to integrate some of the obscurities of recent French psychoanalytical thought into a discussion of the perils of contemporary relationships between men and women. It's a flawed but compelling effort, for which the author makes no apology; the reader will probably find much to disagree with.
Leader argues that Gender Studies has become overly preoccupied with not being wrong, which has led writers to compose unreadable and jargon-ridden texts which say little that is revealing about men and women. Leader relies heavily on the complexities of the French psychoanalyst, and does achieve his aim of rendering Lacan's ideas accessible to a wider audience. He generalises throughout, but identifies this process with an attempt to stimulate debate, much in the style of early psychoanalysis.
The premise of the book's title is based upon the notion that men keep their letters in boxfiles, subject to classification and regarded as a message, whilst women keep their letters in with their clothing, as an extension of their sense of self, as objects in their own right, often written to oneself so thereby unposted. For all of the generalities in the book, I defy any man and woman to read through it without wincing with recognition at some of those embarrassing moments in relationships which Leader describes.
Leader is at his most revealing when he interweaves images from films and literature into his analysis of human behaviour. He writes evocatively on the conflicts inherent in becoming male, the lack of male initiation which leads to the dilemma that the more a man today tries to behave like a real man, the more false and affected his actions appear. This is characterised symbolically in the choice of the hypermasculine Arnold Schwarzenegger to play Hollywood's first pregnant man.
The richest section of the book for me arises from Leader's discussion on the differing notions of space which exist between men and women. He contrasts women's notion of space as existing beyond their biological limits compared to men who can live in conditions of relative squalor impervious to their immediate surroundings. This is followed by his identification of men's tendency to lavish gifts in the early stages of relationships, giving being a sign of a demand made to the other. For men, it can be harder to sustain internal limits and not post that letter.
Contrary to popular misconception, men often want to give everything (author's italics). That's why they are so bad at keeping secrets from their wives.
A compulsive read but expect to be infuriated. Perhaps a book which is in itself the perfect present to a current or ex-partner.
Robin Tuddenham.
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