What does it mean to be a father? What are our expectations of men as fathers, are those expectations being met, and what does that say about men and masculinity? Even as recently as thirty years ago, the answers to such questions would have been considered obvious to most people in Britain. The father's task was to provide for his family, to be the authority in the home and perhaps occasionally to help the mother by entertaining the children. He would not be expected to have an intimate relationship with his children or to provide either physical or emotional support to them. In fact he would not be expected to have a great deal to do with his children and as long as he provided for his family materially and maintained discipline within the home he would be considered a good enough father.
By no means all men limited themselves to such a constricted and peripheral relationship to their children. However, any deviation that occurred remained essentially private and hidden, inconsequential as far as the public face of fatherhood was concerned. And this public face was maintained and reinforced by the social organisation governing employment, education, health, etc., supported by the political values of both the left and right.
But during the past thirty years a change has been taking place in this public definition of fatherhood. It is no longer considered acceptable for a father to be a distant and peripheral figure, emotionally detached and uninvolved with actual childcare. Whilst the idea that the father should have sole authority over the whole family including the mother has last much of its legitimacy outside of the religious right.
These days a father is expected to take on a degree of practical responsibility for childcare, to show sensitivity, warmth and caring for his children, and to share authority within a collaborative relationship with their mother. He is expected to nurture as well as provide, to both love and show his love for his children, to engage with the daily grind of parenthood alongside earning an income. The cultural meaning of fatherhood in Britain and much of the west is undergoing a process of change.
The degree to which men fulfil these increased expectations varies tremendously. While all recent research would suggest that the majority of fathers now spend far more time with their children than fathers of thirty years ago did, it also indicates that such involvement for most fathers remains relatively small compared to that of mothers. In the majority of cases most childcare is still carried out by mothers. Similarly, as far as work in the home goes the trends are depressingly similar, research continuing to show that generally women do the bulk of housework, even in situations where the man is unemployed and she is working outside the home. And women continue to earn less than men with the pay gap actually increasing for the first time in ten years, which is hardly an encouragement for a mutual sharing of childcare and wage earning.
Nonetheless change does appear to be happening albeit slowly and with resistance. The increased expectations of fathers effects all, not only those who welcome them. Those men adhering to a traditional model of fatherhood whereby they remain detached and uninvolved, autocratic and self centred, over time are likely to alienate their children and the mothers, with a consequent breakdown of relationship. Whilst by no means all separated fathers come into this category, what emanates far too often from many separated fathers' groups is a clamour for father's rights over and above children's needs, with strong misogynistic overtones. This suggests that a significant number of such fathers were neither collaborative nor engaged in child care prior to separation, and that their voices carry a lot of weight within such organisations.
However, the process of being separated from his children can wake a man up to what he has missed, resulting in time in him becoming an engaged and responsible father. And in some cases at least, recognising and acknowledging how much his own behaviour contributed to the breakdown of his relationship. For the more we as men actually engage with and take responsibility for our children, the more we are likely to be changed. Developing empathy, nurturing and caretaking, not only loving but demonstrating that love, allowing ourselves to be intimate and vulnerable, putting our children's needs before our own when necessary, all these qualities which are essential for childcare are totally at odds with traditional (or hegemonic) masculinity.
Even for those men who wish to be engaged and responsible fathers in a collaborative relationship with mothers, living up to these expectations is hard and often a constant struggle. On an emotional level, few men are prepared for parenthood, often lacking in nurturing skills, emotionally immature, and finding the inherent vulnerability of an infant and young child hard to tolerate. On the material level, neither the public nor the private sector are supportive to a mix of childcare and employment. Instead many men are faced with having to challenge the prevailing employment culture that puts loyalty to employers before family and children. Conditions of employment that support men's involvement with childcare have to be fought for at present by individual men on an individual basis.
This reflects a political climate that in this respect has changed little during the past thirty years. It is perhaps best revealed in recent statements that mothers need to work, as if childcare was not already work. Rather than encouraging an engaged fatherhood we seem to be discouraging motherhood, continuing the elevation of work outside the home above parenting. This is reinforced within the education system whereby the curriculum has been shrunk with an even greater emphasis on academic achievement. Emotional literacy, parenting skills, child development: these remain peripheral at best and completely ignored in most schools. Business still rules and in a world dominated by short term profits children and childcare will always be peripheral.
Yet still the expectations of fatherhood grow. Many men continue to make choices that put their children before personal ambition, share parenting with their partners, allow themselves to be affected by their children and partners, to be intimate and vulnerable, responsible and caring, and put their relationships first. This issue of Achilles Heel offers the experiences of some of these men, their struggles internal and external, their despair and their joy, but most of all their love. We hope it makes some contribution to the further development of men and fatherhood, and to a world where men and women can collaborate as equals and children are valued more than money and status.
Copyright © Achilles Heel Collective
